


Before And After

by wildwordwomyn



Series: Friends With Benefits [9]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-19
Updated: 2007-11-19
Packaged: 2017-10-09 13:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildwordwomyn/pseuds/wildwordwomyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen makes a fateful decision that effects his and Jared's future.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before And After

On Tuesday night you have to make an appearance for your first A.D. press junket. The initials stand for After the Dick, meaning after Jay. And you’re scared. Of course. You should be. Because as soon as you see him at that hotel for the Chicago Con you instinctively gravitate toward him. Then stop mid-step. You have to actually remind yourself A.D. time leaves no room for gravity. You are just going to have to play the role of someone who enjoys flashbulbs and fangirls. You can do that, right? Right? You take a deep breath, blow it out slowly and jump in as if the water’s fine. You still seem like friends, still banter, but anyone who looks closely can tell you’re not in sync like you used to be…

“That wasn’t so bad…” Jay says timidly afterwards in the limo. “Thought you’d be nervous and sick to your stomach but you were great, Jen…Really…Really great.”

He’s waiting for you to speak, to swing back into who you used to be with him, and you just don’t. You’re proud of yourself. Truth is you want to. It’d be easy. But to give in is to fuck in the limo where no one can see how much he loves your lips or to go back to his house and make out like teenagers until his wife calls to speak to her husband. So you keep quiet, keep safe. Wish your body wasn’t betraying you by tensing every time his eyes roam over you as if you’re somehow exposed. You clench your jaw and hold on.

The producers as well as Kripke hope that by keeping you two out in the public eye, interest won’t wane even with the writer’s strike going on, so you get thrown together several more times. Three months pass but you keep holding on. You let no one witness your mini-breakdowns. No, those wait until you’re home alone with only his picture and an old t-shirt that no longer smells like him as company. It’s not enough, but it _is_ better than the alternative. And when he calls late, midnight, sometimes 2am, just to hear your voice, to see if you might want to come over, you erase the voice messages and turn your cell off after too many texts. In other words you will yourself to forget him. And eventually, okay, so a year later, it works. He tries to come back into your life over and over again but you don’t let him. How can you? You don’t trust him anymore. After what he’s done to your romance, your friendship, after the way he’s disrespected you, you don’t see him the same way anymore. He isn’t the Jay you believe him to be. Doesn’t matter. He’s not familiar anymore anyway. And his fear is just too thick a thing to swallow…


End file.
